Not Yet
by Gaia Less
Summary: Post-Memento Mori. Scully's cancer doesn't seem to be getting better.


notyet

TITLE: Not Yet  
AUTHOR: Gaia Less  
RATING: PG  
SPOILERS: Memento Mori  
SUMMARY: Scully's cancer doesn't seem to be getting better, and Scully is almost ready to let go... Only Mulder can give her the strength to hold on. Post-Memento Mori.  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Mulder, Scully, or anyone else you might recognize from the series. They are owned by Chris Carter, 1013, and Fox. I don't own them. No copyright infringement is intended. I didn;t create em, I'm just playing with them. I'll give them back when I'm done. Promise!! Please don't sue me...   
  
Archive anywhere, but please get my permission first :) tis as easy as emailing me and saying, Yo, Gaia, I wanna put your fanfic, [title here], on my site, okay? You can even simply cut and paste that sentence into an email document! I will reply with something along the lines of Hey, that's cool. Promote me! Yeah! Sweeeeet. See? Tis VERY easy :) Wowwww. Hehe  
  
notes and such at the end  
  
[*****]=change of point of view from Mulder to Scully  
  
*Y*Not Yet*Y*  
by GL  
  
And no matter what you think as a scientist or a doctor, there is a way, and you will find it, to save yourself, Mulder says to me, wanting me to believe it. And wanting to believe it himself, I could tell.  
  
Mulder, I can't kid myself. People live with cancer. They carry on, and so will I, I reply. You know, I've got things to finish, to prove to myself, to my family... but for my own reasons.  
  
He smiles at me, and says softly, Come on back. I smile back. He pauses, and I take a step forward, and he hugs me. I put my arms around him. The truth will save you Scully. I think it'll save both of us.  
  
He kisses me on the forehead, and puts his hands on my head, looking at me. For a moment, I think he's going to kiss me, but instead he presses his lips against my forehead. I close my eyes, trying to keep myself from crying again.  
  
I pull away from him a moment later, and walk slowly down the hallway toward my room. I sigh. I don't want to let this beat me... but I don't know if I can fight it.  
  
Y*Y*Y*Y*Y*Y*Y*Y  
  
Something moves, and I wake up. I see Mulder sitting in a chair by my bed. Oh, I'm sorry... did I wake you up?  
  
It's all right... what time is it?  
  
He looks at his watch. Five a.m., he says. You can go back to sleep, sorry I woke you.  
  
You don't have to stay here with me, Mulder, I say softly.  
  
I want to. I care about you, Scully. I want to be here for you.  
  
Thank you, I whisper gratefully. In a way, I didn't want him to leave me... but I also didn't want him to feel burdened, like he had to stay.  
  
I close my eyes, and soon I drift off to sleep again.  
  
Y*Y*Y*Y*Y*Y*Y*Y  
  
The next time I wake up, Mulder is no longer sitting by my bed. I try to sit up, somewhat worried about where he could be, but I see him standing in the doorway, with his back to the room. He's talking to someone, I'm not sure who.  
  
A few minutes later, he comes back into the room. he says. It sounds almost as if he's been crying. His face is drawn, and he has a somber look on his face.  
  
Hi... what's wrong? I ask him.  
  
I, uh, I just talked to one of your doctors. He sits on the side of my bed and takes my hand. He doesn't say anything else. The silence is deafening, and I know that what the doctor told him must have been serious.  
  
I ask, hoping the nervousness doesn't show in my voice.  
  
I... it doesn't look good. The cancer... he chokes out.  
  
He can't say anymore, but I don't really need to hear it. I've never seen Mulder this concerned about anyone but his sister, so I can tell that it's bad.   
  
I want to be strong. I want to survive this. But I just don't know how long I can do that.  
  
Y*Y*Y*Y*Y*Y*Y*Y   
  
*****  
I stay with Scully for the next few days, leaving the room only to eat and use the bathroom. I don't want to leave her. All she does it lay in bed and stare out the window. When I try to talk to her, she answers me usually in one word.   
  
She's never like this... what happened to the strong, energetic Dana Scully that I've always known? Why can't she be strong? She seems to not even care anymore... she seems to be just letting go.  
  
I watch her. She has her back to me, staring out the window again.   
  
she says, not rolling over.   
  
I need to talk to you.  
  
What, Mulder? She sounds almost annoyed now. She rolls over and glares at me.  
  
I sit down on the bed, looking at her sadly. Scully... what's wrong?  
  
What's wrong? she cries. What's wrong? I'm dying, Mulder, that's what's wrong!  
  
No. You're letting go. You can be strong. You always have before.  
  
She stares up at me, tears welling in her eyes. I don't know how to be strong anymore... she whispers.  
  
Yes you do, I say gently, taking her hand and pulling her up into a sitting position. Scully, you have *always* been strong. You can get through this. I know you can.  
  
She shakes her head. Tears begin to spill down her cheeks. I can't...  
  
Don't say that. What you can't do is give up hope. I know you, Scully. If you try, you can pull through. And I promise you, if you try, I will do every damn thing I can to help you. But I can't help you though if you don't try.  
  
She nods quietly, and I carefully brush away the tears on her face with my hand.  
  
Scully... you have to be all right... I love you, I whisper.  
  
Thank you, Mulder, she whispers back. She leans into me, and I let her cry on my shoulder.  
  
Deep in my heart, I'm so afraid of losing her. Neither of us want to say what we know is unavoidable, but it hangs heavily in the air.  
  
So I hold her. I hold her tightly, as if holding her will keep the cancer from coming any closer and doing any damage.  
  
But it's inevitable. And we both know it. And now there's no way to avoid it.  
  
Y*Y*Y*Y*Y*Y*Y*Y   
  
*****  
Ever since Mulder talked to me, I've been trying to fight. I don't want to lose to this cancer, this monster. I want to be strong, but I'm still doubting that I can hold on much longer.  
  
That's why I'm thankful for Mulder. He's been by my side since Penny died, and I'm glad. He really does care about me, and about what happens. He's almost always with me in the room, holding my hand, telling me I'll be all right, and just keeping me company. I have to admit, without him here, it would be pretty lonely.  
  
But I'm getting tired... and I don't know what to do. Should I keep holding on, or is it time to let go?  
  
Y*Y*Y*Y*Y*Y*Y*Y   
  
*****  
She's asleep.  
  
I take advantage of that and get up to stretch. I walk around in the hallway for a while, stopping briefly to get a cup of coffee. I fill a cup for Scully too, in case she wakes up.  
  
I walk back to her room. She's still sleeping. She looks very peaceful. I touch her hand gently before sitting back down.  
  
She opens her eyes. she whispers. It's almost a gasp.  
  
I ask, suddenly concerned at her tone. I move the chair close to her bed and take her hand.  
  
Mulder... I'm afraid... she says, squeezing my hand. It isn't much of a squeeze though. She's so weak.  
  
What? Why? What's the matter, Scully? Now I stand up and move from the chair to sit on the bed.  
  
I'm tired, she says quietly. And I know exactly what she means.  
  
I want to tell her to be strong, to tell her not to let go, but I can't. She's in pain... I can tell by the look on her face.  
  
I nod helplessly. I start.  
  
She cuts me off. she says. I don't want... I don't want it to be here. I don't want to be in a hospital bed. Take me somewhere. Anywhere, she begs.  
  
All right. I kiss her hand. I'll be right back, okay?  
  
I go out of the room and explain the situation to a doctor. He tells me it's all right for me to take her out of the hospital.  
  
A nurse brings in a wheelchair, and Scully wraps herself in a bathrobe and I take her out to my car. I get in the driver's seat and start driving.  
  
I don't know where we're going. Scully tells me to turn a few places, and I do. I want to do anything I can for her... especially if she thinks this is the time. I want her to be where she wants to be.  
  
She tells me to stop when we get to [where?]. I carry her out of the car and we sit down on the ground. I hold her in my lap, keeping her warm. I hope to God that this isn't really it... I don't think I can be without her. In fact, I know I can't. If she dies...  
  
I shake my head slowly, trying to chase the thought from my head.  
  
I say quietly.  
  
she asks. She opens her eyes and looks up at me.  
  
Are you sure... I trail off. She knows what the question is.  
  
To my surprise, she shakes her head. No. I don't want it to be. I want to stand up and walk away, walk away from everything. I want to just leave this all behind, and pretend it never happened, but I can't. It did happen. It is happening. But... I want to be strong. I don't want this to by my time.  
  
I hadn't expected her to say so much. Her voice is soft, still weak. But there is a new spark in it, and that spark is hope. Strength. Scully hasn't lost her faith yet, she isn't giving up.  
  
I don't either. Scully, please don't leave me...  
  
Her hand curls around mine, and squeezes it. It's not the same weak squeeze as it had been earlier. She squeezes my hand as if she is holding on with all of her strength, all of her will to live.  
  
I'm not going to. Mulder, she says, pausing. Mulder, take me home.  
  
I smile at her. I knew you could, I say quietly. Scully, I love you. I love you so much.  
  
I know... I love you too. Her smile turns somewhat melancholy. You're my reason to live. She takes in a breath of air sharply, as if her statement surprised even herself. You've saved me, Mulder. Thank you.  
  
You're welcome, I say. I pick her up, and carry her back to the car. Back home.  
  
THE END


End file.
